Booty 3 : Once Bitten, Twice Shy
by sesheta255
Summary: What do pyjaks and Shepard have in common?  More mishaps for Kaidan's best asset.


Random Stupidity No: Hell I don't know. My muse is all over the place, I've given up on numbers.

_Written for Sirius and Shenzi who badgered me into it, lmao. And for Night and Star who joined in._

_

* * *

_

**Booty 3 : Once Bitten, Twice Shy**

Shepard came down the steps from the CIC and headed over to where her Lieutenant could normally be found. _It would be great if he paid me as much attention as he does that damn terminal. S_he came to a dead stop at the sight that greeted her. Kaidan was bent over the terminal, his magnificent butt in the air. Her hands were itching to just grab it and squeeze and she wasn't the only one apparently. The mess suddenly seemed to be populated with just about every female crew member of the Normandy and they were all looking in Kaidan's direction. _Well I can't fault their taste. S_he blushed as she noticed Ashley's knowing look. Shepard took a deep breath and strode over to him.

"Alenko, are you recovered from your wounds enough to go on a mission?" She couldn't help grinning as she mentioned his wounds.

"Yes Ma'am," he replied straightening up and blushing as he became aware of all the female scrutiny he was under.

"Grab Garrus and any gear you two need and meet me at the Mako. I think he's on the bridge with Joker. We're going planet side. There's a downed drone with an Alliance data packet and Admiral Hackett has asked us to retrieve it."

"Aye Aye Ma'am." Kaidan turned and headed to the bridge. _Great, now I have to deal with both of them at the same time._

Garrus and Joker had obviously been waiting for him, if the smug looks on their faces were anything to go by.

"How does it feel to know that you're indispensible to Shepard, Alenko? Even injured she'll take you on a mission rather than take the chance of leaving you on the ship with all the female crew members." Garrus joined Joker's laughter as the pilot finished speaking.

Kaidan was determined to ignore both of them. "Garrus, get your gear. Shepard wants us at the Mako to go planet side."

Joker cleared his throat, "Oh Alenko, before you go I've got a little something for you." He held a pillow out to Kaidan. "I hear the Mako journeys can be pretty rough with Shepard driving. You might need this."

"Yeah very funny, Joker." Kaidan turned and walked form the bridge, but not before grabbing the pillow which started Joker and Garrus laughing again.

Garrus caught up with him and they made their way down to their lockers to gear up.

"Kaidan, you'd better put extra padding around your butt. One pillow won't be enough with Shepard's driving." He reached into Kaidan's locker, grabbed a t-shirt and rolled it up before handing it to Kaidan.

"Garrus you are spending way too much time with Joker," Kaidan said as he threw the t-shirt back into his locker before snapping the door shut.

* * *

Looking at the view out of the Mako's window Shepard sighed. "You know it would be nice just once if we could go to a planet where there were no mercs or Geth. One that came complete with a great climate and a nice beach, instead of endless jagged mountains."

_She had to admit to herself however that her motives were not entirely pure. The thought of Kaidan in nothing but a very brief pair of swimmers was a very arousing one._

"Oh shit, mountains. Are you sure you don't want me to drive Shepard?" Kaidan asked grinning at his Commander as she rolled her eyes at him and set the Mako in motion.

"Relax Kaidan, I tweaked the suspension a bit after last time" Garrus added shaking his head at the two humans who had become his closest friends.

They'd already been to the site of the downed surveillance drone only to find that the data packet had obviously been taken by some of the planets inhabitants, small monkey like creatures called a pyjaks.

"I haven't driven over any mountains….yet, Kaidan." Shepard grinned at him. "This mission was supposed to be simple. Go in, retrieve the data package, and leave. No-one said anything about having to check every damn monkey on the planet. I'm a marine not a veterinarian for god's sake." She yelled in order to be heard above the groans of her squad as the Mako became airborne over a bump and hit the ground with a thud.

Finally they came to a mine, the last place they would possibly be able to find the data packet. Kaidan had taken the shield enhancement from his armour in favour of medical upgrades given the atmosphere on this planet. He didn't have his shields activated, not seeing anything that could pose a threat as yet. _Well, apart from Shepard's driving,_ he amended to himself. This looked like being a relatively calm mission unless she got it into her head to go haring over mountains looking for minerals again.

He looked up to see Shepard in the middle of a bunch of pyjaks and hurried over to shoo the little animals that she'd already checked away from her. He had just turned to head up the ramp into the mine when he felt a tugging on his ass.

"Ouch!" Kaidan exclaimed and seeing Shepard's enquiring look added, "The little bastard just bit me on the ass."

Shepard turned away quickly, but not before he could see her eyes crinkle with laughter behind her helmet. Garrus' laughter could be heard over the suit communication. "Looks like the whole galaxy is jealous of your ass, Kaidan. It might be a good idea to turn your shields up to protect what I've heard is your best asset."

The sour look Kaidan gave him was lost inside the helmet that covered his entire face. He knew Garrus would not be able to resist telling Joker about this one. "Let's just focus on getting the data packet and get out of here." He turned his shields on and followed Shepard into the mine where she searched more pyjaks for the data. Of course it had to be in the possession of the last one they found but at least the creature dropped it so that they could retrieve it without any fuss. As unhappy as he was with pyjaks right now, he really didn't want to have to shoot one.

"Heads up. We've got Geth." Shepard called suddenly and his attention immediately went to the battle.

* * *

Unfortunately Shepard looked towards the mountains as soon as they returned to the Mako and decided she had to hunt for minerals. "Damn it, Shepard. Do you have to hit every bump? Is finding a few minerals really worth it?" Kaidan was sitting on his pillow trying to put all his weight on one butt cheek. He was getting tired of hearing the maniacal laughter coming from his two companions, and was seriously considering turning his shield back on to full and putting his helmet back on.

"What are you worrying about? You have a pillow to sit on Kaidan." Shepard gasped out.

"I'm worried about the fact that if this keeps up you'll re-open my stitches."

"I'm not checking to see if that's the case, no matter how good your ass is supposed to be. You'll have to ask Shepard." Garrus said dryly before adding, "I told you to make sure you put extra padding in your armour when she told us to report to the Mako."

"Thanks Garrus, you're a real pal. I hope you get shot in the ass. Then I can laugh at you." Kaidan pulled a face at him and tried to keep himself in his seat as Shepard drove over a particularly large outcrop of rocks.

"I am not rubbing medigel on anyone else's ass." Shepard said decisively, "Although if you two keep whining about my driving, it may be me doing the shooting."

Kaidan's shout of "Shepard" came too late and the Mako went careening off the mountain, tumbling them all around and throwing them out of their seats until it finally came to a stop right side up.

Garrus was to first to recover his equilibrium and surveyed the scene in front of him. Shepard was on her back with Alenko face down on top of her, his ass in her face, and his face in her crotch.

Garrus cleared his throat. "If you two wanted some alone time you could have just asked, you didn't need to drive off a mountain Shepard. I don't know much about human courting rituals, but shouldn't you have bought her dinner first Kaidan?"

Shepard was making gargled sounds as Kaidan sat up and moaned, trying to get his bearings. He leapt up in the air suddenly with a loud curse. "What the hell did you bite me for Shepard?"

Sitting up, Shepard drew in a few deep breaths. "I couldn't breathe. Your ass was suffocating me. We really need to see about getting this thing fitted with seatbelts."

Garrus chuckled. "What we really need is to get you two back to the Normandy. I'm guessing that Kaidan probably needs some medical attention for his ass and you have a busted lip Shepard."

* * *

Shepard and Kaidan made their way as unobtrusively as possible to the medbay. As they entered Dr Chakwas looked up and eyed them curiously. "I can see you have a cut lip Shepard, but why are you here Kaidan?"

"He needs you to check his ass Dr. Chakwas. He sort of had a rough landing, as well as being bitten by a pyjak." Shepard said with a sideways glance towards Kaidan.

"Do I really even want to know what happened, Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas asked as she walked behind Kaidan and noticed the bite marks in his armour. She raised an eyebrow, "I'm going to need something plausible to put in the incident report given that there are two distinctly different sets of teeth marks in Kaidan's butt."

"I told you what happened already Doctor. Plus we had a bit of an incident in the Mako. You must be mistaken about the different teeth marks." Shepard said hurriedly.

"An incident? You drove us off a damn mountain." Kaidan said bitterly, not looking at Shepard.

"So I take it you are both sticking to the same story?" She sighed as they both nodded solemnly.

As Shepard walked towards the medbay door after having her lip attended to, Dr. Chakwas spoke again, "You may want to see a dentist next time we're on the Citadel, Shepard. Your teeth may need some work after today's incident. You never know what damage driving off a mountain could do." With that said she turned towards a now blushing Kaidan.

* * *

Kaidan left the medbay with everything but his pride intact. _Might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. _He headed to the bridge where he suspected Garrus and Joker where having a good laugh, once more at his expense.

"Hey Alenko, I hear you got bitten on the ass by a pyjak. I hope your rabies shots are up to date." Joker's grinning face greeted him as he arrived.

Kaidan sat down gingerly in the co-pilot's seat. "Get it all out of your system now Joker. Then I don't want to hear another word about the whole damn thing."

"According to Chakwas' report there were two sets of bite marks on your armour and only one of them belonged to a pyjak. Spill, Alenko. You know I'll find out anyway."

Garrus was leaning against the wall laughing silently but couldn't hold it in any longer. "Shepard bit him when he landed on top of her. We made the mistake of letting her drive the Mako on a planet that had mountains."

"You were on top of Shepard? What happened? What did she do?" Joker was almost in tears, and was having trouble breathing from trying to speak and laugh at the same time.

"Garrus just told you, she drove off a damn mountain then bit me in the ass." Kaidan gave a resigned sigh.

"Yeah she said that his ass was suffocating her, but that was after he gave her a busted lip when it fell on her." Garrus said, once again joining in with Joker's laughter.

Joker laughed at the look on Kaidan's face before a puzzled look came across his own face. "Hang on if your ass was in her face, where was your face?"

"Don't remind me Joker," Kaidan said reddening. He'd never be able to face Shepard again.

"Holy crap, you gave the commander a sixty niner? Way to go Alenko." Joker held up his hand for a high five and when Kaidan ignored him continued, "Although I guess she won't be such a fan of your ass anymore, unless she wants to administer some punishment directly to it. She obviously likes to play rough."

Kaidan stood up. "Ok Joker you've had your fun. Not another word ever again. Remember. You'd better not let Shepard hear you talking like that either."

"Yeah, ok. Scouts honour Alenko." Joker laughed and placed a hand over his heart.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and turned to leave the bridge. _If Joker has ever been a scout, I'm an asari dancer, shaking my ass for a bunch of perverts. Wait, isn't that what I seem to be doing anyway?_

Garrus straightened from the wall. "Wait up Kaidan. I probably have some work to do on the Mako. I need to check the suspension and callibrate the rear end gear."

"Between Shepard and the Doc I think that's already been taken care of Garrus." Joker couldn't resist adding.

Kaidan paused for a moment as Joker and Garrus started laughing again. _Why do I even bother?_ He shook his head and walked quickly from the bridge.


End file.
